Truth be told, I'm not always as strong as maybe you think I am. There are times, when I ponder a thought one second too long, and there it goes. My mind carries me away on a wave of lies. It happened last night. I'm going to be very vulnerable and transparent, because you'll love me anyway...right?
For the first time, in a very long time, I had a panic attack. Crying, shaking uncontrollably, feeling like I could vomit. It. Was. Horrible. It was over my marriage and my children. Satan was reminding me of all the things I've said or done wrong. Whispering things like, "You are such a horrible mom, you know that's why you never conceived." On and on it went. We all know that the only power satan has is the power of suggestion, that's nothing new. The problem comes when we, as children of God, decide to listen to those suggestions and not follow God's direction as written in 1 Corinthians 10:5, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
So paralyzed that I couldn't open my bible, my mind was absolutely consumed. So distracted by noice.
Then it stopped.
The Lord spoke through Chris. He told me this is not who I am. That the enemy was telling me lies and I was listening. He told me he loved me got on his knees in front of me. I listened to his voice, giving me truth. Chris was telling me who I am and whose I am.
So today, I've been in praise and worship, more prayer and more reminding me of truth. The First5 devotions have been amazing. They have impacted my life in all areas. But even in that and my prayer time, in the days before last night, I'd been distracted. Not spending time with the Lord as I should, not even close. So in that, I became vulnerable.
Praising God, that not even a panic attack was wasted. He's shown me why it happened and let me see Jesus in Chris like I have prayed about for so long.
